The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
