we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
