Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Bang-toberfest begins!!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize