i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
