his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
