I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize