just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
