I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
