This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
