There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
