I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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