took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She tied me up with her honor cords...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
