i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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