I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
