Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
