You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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