Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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