at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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