I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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