I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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