I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
