I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize