babies were throwing up all over the place
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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