so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize