Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
