My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You are a genius and a whore.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
