please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
