just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
