well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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