I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
only you would photoshop your dick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
