You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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