I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
