I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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