I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
