So drunk its hurt
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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