You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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