guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
