I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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