Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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