Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
