she looked like the before picture.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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