i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
