Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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