can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
