Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Randomize
