my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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