I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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