I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
