I smell stomach acid.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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