I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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