I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
