I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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