You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
