I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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