He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Success! We fucked roommates!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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