i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
