After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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