I wish I could teleport
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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