One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
