I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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