where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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