You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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