its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
