When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
