Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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